1. |
Épitome
03:54
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(instrumental)
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2. |
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Today I woke up wanting to kill myself
It's nothing new as a thought nor something worth worrying about
It's the same constant cycle of longing for death
I love her sweet compassion and her knowing she's there
No matter where I lie, what to think or say
She calms my joys and worries with a yearning despair
What feels like this apparition of what I call life
I sit on my chair and wait the next day
Wasting the days with the same form of anxiety in different clothing
I can't wait to see you in the end and I wish that you were left
What am I supposed to do when I'm living in this state of mind
How am I meant to control my being if I can't speak for myself
I pray that one day I strive to better the crowd
And yet I stand to hate the forces that drive my effervescent mind
In which I live to breed with the sins of my past
In which I confide with the realism of hateful retention
And where I live in this world with social disorders
I'm a deer lamb lost, borrowed on a narcissistic mind
I'm a dependent narcotic requesting attention and love
A civilized attention whore that's a slut for your mind
Why can't I be a decent and average human being
Why can't I stop being too much and leave your sanity be
Every day I live with the slightest concern bloated into a tremendous situation
Where my problems corrode onto the feet of your path
And so where I live to see life for myself
I only turn to hurt yourself and the thought of hurting you bloats my concern
And so the cycle of Viaska continues
To stand by this mic to deliver exposition is my way of giving up to the world
I only stand here because I want attention for my catharsis
I want to learn how to love you and keep things to myself
I want to learn to spend moments with you rather than counting till death
I want to wait and be patient and learn that you'll always come back
I'll do what you cry, just please listen, I'm sorry
I know that I'm awful but I promise I'll do better
I know I'm too much but I promise I'll do better
I know I'm too much but I promise to shut it
I know that I'm low but I promise I'll live
Dear god, I am so unstable but I promise I'll change
No more waiting for time to pass until morning
No more praying for moments of sacrificial investment
Where I'll tear up my eyes and plunge a knife to thine heart
And rip out my lungs and cry for its un-stakable death
And fall to my knees to bleed onto my floor
And there you'll cry praise of what a life of a good person
You'll never be empty as long as you're loved
As long as you're willing
As long as we're here
To stand on stand by your side
These are the broken promises I leave to the unforeign crowd
I know I can't change, not for you or for myself
It's a part of the symptom
Knowing that I can never change
And be destined to be forever trapped in the motions
Of a self-afflicting
Self-destruction
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3. |
Too Long Years
13:15
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It was eight years of age when I wished for a life long of death
An abandonment of wishful incitement thinking
Institution of bereavement and laughter came from unsuspecting upfall
And where I sit and wish that they weren't right
For six long years did my life see no better
To be beaten and battered and left to linger in thought
To wake to her screams every sunrise came through
Blood curls, fist hurls, I lull in my dirt
To abandon what pity that came to my hell
I learned to disassociate my thoughts into a hollowed out earth
To leave all my thoughts to behind a bricked up cell
And found what came from this inevitable quell
I seeked past my peers and found to be in solace
For 12 long years after my ineptitude lent
A dark tide fear and a mothers descent
Upon my fathers shouts in dismal display
To fray inside was bad to go out was worse
To seek love and compassion was too far and too much
My fears came from that loss of abandon
To which my friends had seeked a tidier discreet
Beseech my fears gone hallowed the wind
And lost in a sea amongst all of my wares
Two years too late I moved out to worlds unknown
And thought to sort in this new great white north
To find what sort to find me and me alone out here
But lost was I and lost I'll be
Not much was changed except what was abandoned drew near
I had nothing to give and nothing to take
I loved all the same and lost what I had feared
And returned with nothing but my name for keepsake
Two years and two late and I found what's much worse
To be brown and not cis in a white cis world
I learned that I found my gender to be far greater a pain
Who am I if I cannot speak for myself
Who are you if you can't imagine the thought
Of a dying lost child that's bricked up against the walls
And where you lie to the world unknown
It arrived soon after that my challenge got worse
Where I got singed by the prick of a stranger's dismay
He shoved me to dirt and lied his feet on grounds
And forced me to submit my ever precious
I lay
I remember screaming I want my mum and my dad
Where police had not found me a respectful resort
But what they had found was the pictures and clips
But denied me well enforces to acquit ones hell
So hell was what came not to him but to me
So I stay in my cell
And not wish for much more
I never hated the pain just hated myself
What could be more from the depth of the dirt
To be seen as an object for crying one's eye
To be forced to abandon the person I am
The person I was
The person I never knew
A person that won't be
Two years had passed since that frightful night
And yet my life had led on like a cyclical path
What I lost in my friends was nothing more than the same
What adventures I had all ended the same
My life goes on
But my days won't end
Not the pain of a murder but the pain of the same
The same world of boredom and solemn, afraid
Afraid of what's known known all but myself
That the life of another is more important than me
More important than you
But less important for me
And now we reside by the realism of hate
The realistic fruition of what conclusive works show
A showing of nothing that changes the day
That sun will still rise but my heart's just the same
Another day left abandoned by my inner lost thoughts
Another way to speak lies from my intrusive cohorts
Be not known of the great depths of my life
Be not I but the thought of what I may lose for you
A loss of your power and the hell I bring
A platter of shards and built bricks are my aim
I don't like to invest I'd rather infect your dear mind
I'd rather choose to beseech what joys you'd might bring
I don't look for the hope I just seek the dark depths
I just seek the truth of a dismal abuse
An abuse of the mind is an abuse on your life
To know me is loathe and what I say is much worse
Don't believe when I'm happy, because I've never found love
Don't look to rejoice in pleasant known world
I'll burn all your bridges if you look for the cheer
I don't want to be happy, because I'm stuck being sad
I choose to be villain to this pleasant drab world
I choose to be stuck in this precious lost world
Lost in the pages of a cyclical mind
A cyclical game I find to be all but the same
I'm a terrible child and a worse off adult
Where my child and my mind are all but the same
So I choose to beseech into a decline of the mind
A body that's made up of ciggerates and booze
Until it shuts off and I'm forced to commit
A heavy incitement but wait, I know what to do
I'll deny all my friends, and loves in my life
I'll deny my request to look for the change
I'll deny all your tears and be the worst I'll be
I'll inject it much harder and be glad its my way
Frank S you're the cusp to the ending piece song
My dad I am sorry, and to mum I lost
To my sister I hope you founded some peace
To leave and let die is a worse off thought
My friends, I am sorry, that you got to know me
I thought I was stronger but what I realise I'm weak
Too weak for this world but too strong in mind
Too strong to rebel against what could've been
My loves I am sorry that I gave you a chance
Because now you'll have known instead who you wanted to know
Another day left abandoned by my inner lost thoughts
Another way to speak lies from my intrusive cohorts
Be not known of the great depths of my life
Be not I but the thought of what I may lose for you
A loss of your power and the hell I bring
A platter of shards and built bricks are my aim
I don't like to invest I'd rather infect your dear mind
I'd rather choose to beseech what joys you'd might bring
I don't look for the hope I just seek the dark depths
I just seek the truth of a dismal abuse
An abuse of the mind is an abuse on your life
To know me is loathe and what I say is much worse
Don't believe when I'm happy because I've never found love
Don't look to rejoice in pleasant known world
I'll burn all your bridges if you look for the cheer
I don't want to have fear or worse I was always used to that
I choose to be villain to this pleasant drab world
I choose to be stuck in this precious lost world
Lost in the pages of a cyclical mind
A cyclical game I find to be all but the same
I'm a terrible child and a worse off adult
Where my child and my mind are all but the same
So I choose to beseech into a decline of the mind
A body that's made up of ciggerates and booze
Until it shuts off and I'm forced to commit
A heavy incitement but wait, I know what to do
I'll deny all my friends, my loves in my life
I'll deny my request to look for the change
I'll deny all your tears and be the worst I'll be
I'll inject it much harder and be glad its my way
Frank S you're the cusp to the ending piece song
My dad I am sorry, and to mum I lost
To my sister I hope you find in some peace
To leave and let die is a worse off a thought
My friends I am sorry that you got to know me
I thought I was stronger but what I always am weak
Too weak for this world but too strong in mind
Too strong to rebel against what could've been
My loves I am sorry that I gave you a chance
Because now you'll have known instead who you wanted to know
I'm not happy of this ending but I'll be happy when dead
I'll find comfort in me when I comfort in depths
But I know that I'm weak, far weaker than woes
I'll find death too frightful and so I'll abandon my plan
And lo, I'll just sit and never will be
Be who I can be and what I wanted to be
I've lost what thought what's good and what I would like to have been
But no, there's help, but no, I refuse to be free
A free of the hell
What a wishful thought path
Of cowardice endeavours
I'm stuck in the mind
Stuck in this world
Forever and I
I'm banished till death
A death I not choose
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4. |
Welcome to Viaska
11:55
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I wish I died in my sleep
I wish I died at the end of my play
I wish I died writing this verse
I wish I wasn't stuck here living in this world
I wish the heavens rained shine upon me
I wish I wasn't trapped here living this lie
I wish I was loved for more than just sex
I wish my sex was more the love that I gave
I wish I got the help that I deserved
I wish I loved you for more than a year
I wish the end didn't end with just me
I wish the inevitable ended with me
I wish I wasn't on my 8th glass of red
I wish I didn't drink everyday
I wish didn't need to get high to live
I wish I could vent and just leave it at
I wish I had someone like you in my life
I wish my jokes were more than just truths
I wish I was more than the labour of my worth
I wish the hatred of me was just kept to myself
I wish the thoughts in my head weren't thoughts at all
I wish I could take the time to love
I wish I could take the time to breathe
I wish I could take the time to think
I wish I didn't spend my money on such materialist things
I wish you fucked me like a good girl
I wish the hell that I was trapped in was just a state of mind
I wish I was fighting the good cause instead of just fighting with myself
I wish didn't need a cigarette to live
I wish I was more than the person that I am
I wish there was a way for a professional to help me
I wish the death of a loved one was just the death of me
I wish I took the time to set a plan for my life
I wish my plans weren't about how to end my life
I wish that the end of my chapter just ended in pure blissful silence
I wish that I was the harbinger of death
And sent the sinners to the land of their own worth
For them to consume till their untimely death
I wish that God had sent down the Devil
To destroy the world into smouldering ashes
Instead of leaving us here to finish his work
Are we not the children that cried out for love?
Are we not the band of soldiers that caused the pain?
Are we not the instruments that created our homes?
To what avail do we suffer in silence?
Do we not thrash our arms with the knife they once held?
Do we not cry when he forces his love down the scarring of our ever evasive minds?
Do we not scorn the powers that sit above us?
Do we not pray for things to change?
Do we not love thy neighbour and cherish our name?
Do we not wait until that day may come?
Do we not shout in fear when he takes our hand?
Do we not shake out fist when our triumph comes?
Do we not plead to love and to never change ourselves?
Do we not love the change we seek from others?
Do we not wish that content will come
And break the walls of a society
Once held by the blocks of our forefathers
And mothers and lovers and sinners and doers and bask
In its pillars of a shining rock that glows violet in eyes of the weak?
Do we not scour
And call upon the righteous to defend our motherland?
Do we not wait until the shackles strap upon are legs
And dangle us on the love of the kind and the hate of the many?
Do we not lynch the bad and cherish the good?
Do we not wait for things to change yet halt the change others?
Then why am I alone in my room?
Why am I the only one that thinks they matter?
Why do I look to others for advice?
Why do I feel lack of others beside me?
Why do I cry in a single spread bed
With my dick in my hand and a knife in the other
And slitting my neck with continuing anger?
To remind the people how much I hate myself
And that my hatred only spans until you receive it
And until you fall down to your knees
Or walk away to mind yourself
And there, I sit in my soulless room
On my soulless bed
With my soulless drink
And my soulless phone
I scroll upon the pictures of a time gone by
And reminisce of a time much better
Of a time before I saw the world for what it was
And had smiled of pure love and hope and joy and care
As I sit there, wishing that I featured in those photos
Testing, testing, one, two, three
Entry sixteen
I'm living my last days on this earth
I don't know how long I'm going to be here
Like the flower that sits in your room
One day I'll live
One day you die
And the rest will all be but a history before me
I don't know when I'm going to die but
I know the days draw closer
So here everyday I sit alone
Not wanted by others not wanted by self
So I've learnt to put faith in no-one but to put their faith into me
I'll live my dying days for the sake of the other
Because I see no need in myself
No will to do, to fight, to stand for myself
Not when I no lighted future for me
I'll treat everyone as I would treat myself
But to expect others to treat me as nothing
Because nothing is what I will always be
And nothing is what I will always get
And now I rest with my head laidened away
To wish that my cycle was broken
And wishing I could end it without the only way to end it through life
I wish this was a goodbye forever
I wish this was a goodbye forever
But I know
I choose to be stuck in the cycle
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5. |
Dénouement
07:21
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(instrumental)
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Viaska UK
Welcome to the life of the deteriorating mind. A fragmented frame of a shriveled horizon.
Welcome to the
infuriating world of sickening cries. A bludgeoned down hollow of a long forgotten bore.
The world is a cruel and barren dark place. Where all I see is black and white.
And to the shadows that loom in my place, as you stare into the blackened out sun, you hear my cry,
Welcome,
to Viaska.
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