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Today I woke up wanting to kill myself It's nothing new as a thought nor something worth worrying about It's the same constant cycle of longing for death I love her sweet compassion and her knowing she's there No matter where I lie, what to think or say She calms my joys and worries with a yearning despair What feels like this apparition of what I call life I sit on my chair and wait the next day Wasting the days with the same form of anxiety in different clothing I can't wait to see you in the end and I wish that you were left What am I supposed to do when I'm living in this state of mind How am I meant to control my being if I can't speak for myself I pray that one day I strive to better the crowd And yet I stand to hate the forces that drive my effervescent mind In which I live to breed with the sins of my past In which I confide with the realism of hateful retention And where I live in this world with social disorders I'm a deer lamb lost, borrowed on a narcissistic mind I'm a dependent narcotic requesting attention and love A civilized attention whore that's a slut for your mind Why can't I be a decent and average human being Why can't I stop being too much and leave your sanity be Every day I live with the slightest concern bloated into a tremendous situation Where my problems corrode onto the feet of your path And so where I live to see life for myself I only turn to hurt yourself and the thought of hurting you bloats my concern And so the cycle of Viaska continues To stand by this mic to deliver exposition is my way of giving up to the world I only stand here because I want attention for my catharsis I want to learn how to love you and keep things to myself I want to learn to spend moments with you rather than counting till death I want to wait and be patient and learn that you'll always come back I'll do what you cry, just please listen, I'm sorry I know that I'm awful but I promise I'll do better I know I'm too much but I promise I'll do better I know I'm too much but I promise to shut it I know that I'm low but I promise I'll live Dear god, I am so unstable but I promise I'll change No more waiting for time to pass until morning No more praying for moments of sacrificial investment Where I'll tear up my eyes and plunge a knife to thine heart And rip out my lungs and cry for its un-stakable death And fall to my knees to bleed onto my floor And there you'll cry praise of what a life of a good person You'll never be empty as long as you're loved As long as you're willing As long as we're here To stand on stand by your side These are the broken promises I leave to the unforeign crowd I know I can't change, not for you or for myself It's a part of the symptom Knowing that I can never change And be destined to be forever trapped in the motions Of a self-afflicting Self-destruction

It was eight years of age when I wished for a life long of death An abandonment of wishful incitement thinking Institution of bereavement and laughter came from unsuspecting upfall And where I sit and wish that they weren't right For six long years did my life see no better To be beaten and battered and left to linger in thought To wake to her screams every sunrise came through Blood curls, fist hurls, I lull in my dirt To abandon what pity that came to my hell I learned to disassociate my thoughts into a hollowed out earth To leave all my thoughts to behind a bricked up cell And found what came from this inevitable quell I seeked past my peers and found to be in solace For 12 long years after my ineptitude lent A dark tide fear and a mothers descent Upon my fathers shouts in dismal display To fray inside was bad to go out was worse To seek love and compassion was too far and too much My fears came from that loss of abandon To which my friends had seeked a tidier discreet Beseech my fears gone hallowed the wind And lost in a sea amongst all of my wares Two years too late I moved out to worlds unknown And thought to sort in this new great white north To find what sort to find me and me alone out here But lost was I and lost I'll be Not much was changed except what was abandoned drew near I had nothing to give and nothing to take I loved all the same and lost what I had feared And returned with nothing but my name for keepsake Two years and two late and I found what's much worse To be brown and not cis in a white cis world I learned that I found my gender to be far greater a pain Who am I if I cannot speak for myself Who are you if you can't imagine the thought Of a dying lost child that's bricked up against the walls And where you lie to the world unknown It arrived soon after that my challenge got worse Where I got singed by the prick of a stranger's dismay He shoved me to dirt and lied his feet on grounds And forced me to submit my ever precious I lay I remember screaming I want my mum and my dad Where police had not found me a respectful resort But what they had found was the pictures and clips But denied me well enforces to acquit ones hell So hell was what came not to him but to me So I stay in my cell And not wish for much more I never hated the pain just hated myself What could be more from the depth of the dirt To be seen as an object for crying one's eye To be forced to abandon the person I am The person I was The person I never knew A person that won't be Two years had passed since that frightful night And yet my life had led on like a cyclical path What I lost in my friends was nothing more than the same What adventures I had all ended the same My life goes on But my days won't end Not the pain of a murder but the pain of the same The same world of boredom and solemn, afraid Afraid of what's known known all but myself That the life of another is more important than me More important than you But less important for me And now we reside by the realism of hate The realistic fruition of what conclusive works show A showing of nothing that changes the day That sun will still rise but my heart's just the same Another day left abandoned by my inner lost thoughts Another way to speak lies from my intrusive cohorts Be not known of the great depths of my life Be not I but the thought of what I may lose for you A loss of your power and the hell I bring A platter of shards and built bricks are my aim I don't like to invest I'd rather infect your dear mind I'd rather choose to beseech what joys you'd might bring I don't look for the hope I just seek the dark depths I just seek the truth of a dismal abuse An abuse of the mind is an abuse on your life To know me is loathe and what I say is much worse Don't believe when I'm happy, because I've never found love Don't look to rejoice in pleasant known world I'll burn all your bridges if you look for the cheer I don't want to be happy, because I'm stuck being sad I choose to be villain to this pleasant drab world I choose to be stuck in this precious lost world Lost in the pages of a cyclical mind A cyclical game I find to be all but the same I'm a terrible child and a worse off adult Where my child and my mind are all but the same So I choose to beseech into a decline of the mind A body that's made up of ciggerates and booze Until it shuts off and I'm forced to commit A heavy incitement but wait, I know what to do I'll deny all my friends, and loves in my life I'll deny my request to look for the change I'll deny all your tears and be the worst I'll be I'll inject it much harder and be glad its my way Frank S you're the cusp to the ending piece song My dad I am sorry, and to mum I lost To my sister I hope you founded some peace To leave and let die is a worse off thought My friends, I am sorry, that you got to know me I thought I was stronger but what I realise I'm weak Too weak for this world but too strong in mind Too strong to rebel against what could've been My loves I am sorry that I gave you a chance Because now you'll have known instead who you wanted to know Another day left abandoned by my inner lost thoughts Another way to speak lies from my intrusive cohorts Be not known of the great depths of my life Be not I but the thought of what I may lose for you A loss of your power and the hell I bring A platter of shards and built bricks are my aim I don't like to invest I'd rather infect your dear mind I'd rather choose to beseech what joys you'd might bring I don't look for the hope I just seek the dark depths I just seek the truth of a dismal abuse An abuse of the mind is an abuse on your life To know me is loathe and what I say is much worse Don't believe when I'm happy because I've never found love Don't look to rejoice in pleasant known world I'll burn all your bridges if you look for the cheer I don't want to have fear or worse I was always used to that I choose to be villain to this pleasant drab world I choose to be stuck in this precious lost world Lost in the pages of a cyclical mind A cyclical game I find to be all but the same I'm a terrible child and a worse off adult Where my child and my mind are all but the same So I choose to beseech into a decline of the mind A body that's made up of ciggerates and booze Until it shuts off and I'm forced to commit A heavy incitement but wait, I know what to do I'll deny all my friends, my loves in my life I'll deny my request to look for the change I'll deny all your tears and be the worst I'll be I'll inject it much harder and be glad its my way Frank S you're the cusp to the ending piece song My dad I am sorry, and to mum I lost To my sister I hope you find in some peace To leave and let die is a worse off a thought My friends I am sorry that you got to know me I thought I was stronger but what I always am weak Too weak for this world but too strong in mind Too strong to rebel against what could've been My loves I am sorry that I gave you a chance Because now you'll have known instead who you wanted to know I'm not happy of this ending but I'll be happy when dead I'll find comfort in me when I comfort in depths But I know that I'm weak, far weaker than woes I'll find death too frightful and so I'll abandon my plan And lo, I'll just sit and never will be Be who I can be and what I wanted to be I've lost what thought what's good and what I would like to have been But no, there's help, but no, I refuse to be free A free of the hell What a wishful thought path Of cowardice endeavours I'm stuck in the mind Stuck in this world Forever and I I'm banished till death A death I not choose

I wish I died in my sleep I wish I died at the end of my play I wish I died writing this verse I wish I wasn't stuck here living in this world I wish the heavens rained shine upon me I wish I wasn't trapped here living this lie I wish I was loved for more than just sex I wish my sex was more the love that I gave I wish I got the help that I deserved I wish I loved you for more than a year I wish the end didn't end with just me I wish the inevitable ended with me I wish I wasn't on my 8th glass of red I wish I didn't drink everyday I wish didn't need to get high to live I wish I could vent and just leave it at I wish I had someone like you in my life I wish my jokes were more than just truths I wish I was more than the labour of my worth I wish the hatred of me was just kept to myself I wish the thoughts in my head weren't thoughts at all I wish I could take the time to love I wish I could take the time to breathe I wish I could take the time to think I wish I didn't spend my money on such materialist things I wish you fucked me like a good girl I wish the hell that I was trapped in was just a state of mind I wish I was fighting the good cause instead of just fighting with myself I wish didn't need a cigarette to live I wish I was more than the person that I am I wish there was a way for a professional to help me I wish the death of a loved one was just the death of me I wish I took the time to set a plan for my life I wish my plans weren't about how to end my life I wish that the end of my chapter just ended in pure blissful silence I wish that I was the harbinger of death And sent the sinners to the land of their own worth For them to consume till their untimely death I wish that God had sent down the Devil To destroy the world into smouldering ashes Instead of leaving us here to finish his work Are we not the children that cried out for love? Are we not the band of soldiers that caused the pain? Are we not the instruments that created our homes? To what avail do we suffer in silence? Do we not thrash our arms with the knife they once held? Do we not cry when he forces his love down the scarring of our ever evasive minds? Do we not scorn the powers that sit above us? Do we not pray for things to change? Do we not love thy neighbour and cherish our name? Do we not wait until that day may come? Do we not shout in fear when he takes our hand? Do we not shake out fist when our triumph comes? Do we not plead to love and to never change ourselves? Do we not love the change we seek from others? Do we not wish that content will come And break the walls of a society Once held by the blocks of our forefathers And mothers and lovers and sinners and doers and bask In its pillars of a shining rock that glows violet in eyes of the weak? Do we not scour And call upon the righteous to defend our motherland? Do we not wait until the shackles strap upon are legs And dangle us on the love of the kind and the hate of the many? Do we not lynch the bad and cherish the good? Do we not wait for things to change yet halt the change others? Then why am I alone in my room? Why am I the only one that thinks they matter? Why do I look to others for advice? Why do I feel lack of others beside me? Why do I cry in a single spread bed With my dick in my hand and a knife in the other And slitting my neck with continuing anger? To remind the people how much I hate myself And that my hatred only spans until you receive it And until you fall down to your knees Or walk away to mind yourself And there, I sit in my soulless room On my soulless bed With my soulless drink And my soulless phone I scroll upon the pictures of a time gone by And reminisce of a time much better Of a time before I saw the world for what it was And had smiled of pure love and hope and joy and care As I sit there, wishing that I featured in those photos Testing, testing, one, two, three Entry sixteen I'm living my last days on this earth I don't know how long I'm going to be here Like the flower that sits in your room One day I'll live One day you die And the rest will all be but a history before me I don't know when I'm going to die but I know the days draw closer So here everyday I sit alone Not wanted by others not wanted by self So I've learnt to put faith in no-one but to put their faith into me I'll live my dying days for the sake of the other Because I see no need in myself No will to do, to fight, to stand for myself Not when I no lighted future for me I'll treat everyone as I would treat myself But to expect others to treat me as nothing Because nothing is what I will always be And nothing is what I will always get And now I rest with my head laidened away To wish that my cycle was broken And wishing I could end it without the only way to end it through life I wish this was a goodbye forever I wish this was a goodbye forever But I know I choose to be stuck in the cycle

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